Under the Surface
by Celsius009
Summary: Tali lost her chance to tell Shepard how she felt once before. She decides she won't repeat that mistake.
1. A Second Chance

Chapter I: A Second Chance

Time is a funny thing in space. With no regular cycle of moons or suns it was based on the Normandy's own schedule of work shifts to determine when people worked, ate and slept. Three meals a day marked the passage of time and it was up to the non-crew members to keep to their schedules so as to be readily available when they were needed for a mission.

Unfortunately for Tali, she was not part of the crew, wasn't required for any work and didn't eat the same food as anyone else. The work she did do was entirely voluntary and involved keeping up the maintenance across the engineering deck, helping the Cerberus engineers with their workloads, servicing couplings, whatever needed to be done. She couldn't just sit around doing nothing while everyone else contributed. And the meals served aboard the Normandy were for the majority of the crew–she and Garrus had to eat their meals separately due to their dietary needs.

What all this amounted to was Tali working when she was awake, eating when she was hungry, and sleeping when she was tired. She had just been recruited for Shepard's mission and was having a difficult time adjusting to the set schedule designed for everyone else but her. There was usually so much work to be done around the ship she'd start working before a crew's shift start and wouldn't stop until long after they'd retired for the day. If she was awake during meal hours she'd join the others for the company, but her sleeping patterns were random at best and she was more focused on productivity than correcting her sleeping cycle.

And this was working well for her until… Now. When she awoke from her sleep she was still feeling tired but mentally ready for another day of work. However when she took the elevator down to Engineering it was Donnelly that greeted her as the doors opened.

"Are you off already?" Tali asked curiously. While her sleeping hours varied widely she always made a point of at least knowing when everyone else was working. Her time shouldn't be that far off, Donnelly should have just started the moonlight shift.

"Hah! No, that's the best part!" he replied excitedly, a glint in his eye. "Everything's done! Gabby's just finishing up some routine maintenance and then we're taking shifts to keep an eye on everything, but as far as work goes we've got nothing to do! At least until something breaks…" His expression turned downcast for a moment, but then he brightened again, "Anyways, I'm off to the mess." And he strode past her into the elevator as she got off.

"Nothing to do…?" Tali repeated to herself, looking a little lost. This had never happened to her before… She decided to check in with the other engineer to be certain. There couldn't really be _nothing_ to do…

"Nope! Not a thing." Gabby replied cheerfully when Tali asked.

"But when I left last time there was the drive calibrations and the gravity grid fluctuations and–" Tali began listing off the mental list she'd made of her work.

"And we finished all that." Gabby interrupted, crossing her arms and leaning back on the railing separating them from the lower decks. "You're forgetting we do our jobs too–and there are two of us." She smiled at the quarian who she could tell was in a state of denial that her precious workload was now complete. Even behind her helmet Tali was easy to read.

Tali just stood there, unsure of what to do now. She wasn't hungry, couldn't sleep yet, and now she had no work…

"You've been down here longer than anyone else, working harder than anyone else. It isn't healthy!" Gabby said, stepping forward and putting a hand on Tali's shoulder. She smiled warmly, "Get some real rest. We've got this today, alright?"

Tali nodded numbly, wondering what she was going to do with the rest of her time. She doubted anyone else was awake, the "night" shift had begun hours before… She glanced around the deck, quickly scanning for anything that might require even the slightest bit of work. She slowly began walking back towards the doors to the elevator hall, pale eyes still searching for faults. She stopped just before the door to examine a dent in the railing hopefully.

"Would you just go and have some fun?" Gabby commanded sternly, holding back a laugh.

"Work is fun…" Tali muttered to herself sadly as the doors closed behind her. She stood in the hall, wondering what to do now. Her eyes traveled down the stairs to her left which led to Jack's recluse, and she briefly considered visiting her team member she knew little about. She'd apparently been sulking down there since her latest pass at the commander had failed. She had blown it off with her usual "Whatever." But a rejection from Shepard just clumped you in with the rest of the women of the galaxy who would never have a chance with him, and that part was likely what stung.

It seemed she wasn't alone, however. The rumor mill had a habit of extending itself through frequently opened mouths, and Donnelly's mouth was infrequently closed. Just the day before the word on the ship was that even Miranda had been shot down. Of course it was "because the mission doesn't need distractions" but a rebuff hurt no matter the justification. If Shepard wanted a relationship, he'd have one.

The sound of crashing furniture echoed up the stairs, though it was difficult to tell if this had anything to do with the rejection. Sounds of destruction coming from the bottommost deck were common in Engineering.

Tali decided against visiting her psychopathic team member and continued walking through the next set of doors taking her to the main hall, sighing glumly to herself as she did so. Jack she understood. But intelligent, beautiful, observant, talented, _perfect_ Miranda? What the hell did Shepard want from a woman?!

Her frustration stemmed not from Shepard but from the invisible bar who's height maxed at what she previously thought Miranda amounted to. But it seemed even simple perfection was below his standards.

The reason for the frustration at all was, of course, because she had feelings for her commander; though she wouldn't ever dare share that secret with anyone, especially with Donnelly around. On her time aboard the first Normandy she had thought it was an idle crush–one that would pass as all young crushes did. It wasn't until the destruction of the Normandy and the widespread news that Shepard was killed in action that she realized the heaviness in her heart meant more than a childish infatuation. And then he was gone.

Healing that wound had taken the better part of the two years, and when she found him again it was as though the dam inside her had broken open, spilling everything she'd ever felt back into her heart. It hurt like nothing else to leave him again, and in truth she carried a bitterness in her heart for her people for forcing her to do so.

But now she was aboard the Normandy, and more importantly with him once again. The thought had already occurred to her, she reminded herself as she leaned against the hall with her head back, that this was a second chance. She had these initial feelings, never acted on them and lost him. Now he'd been brought back from the _dead_ and despite the immensity of the galaxy, she'd found him again. And now she was aboard his ship, with him again after two long years, she couldn't bring herself to tell him how she felt.

'_Like it matters…'_ she thought to herself, crossing her arms and holding herself. He didn't have anything with anyone from his first crew, and was making a name for himself as a heartbreaker among this one. If he didn't want anything to do with an average, crazy, or perfect human, nor a young or mature asari, what would make him think twice about a quarian? Her weak immune system and hidden looks?

"_I'm going to miss you when you go back home to the Flotilla, Tali."_ His words echoed in her memory as she recalled the last time aboard the Normandy, as they stood alone in the engine room.

'_He was going to miss me…'_ Tali thought, head bowed with eyes on the ground. She thought to herself for another minute, then hit the elevator button. Maybe she couldn't tell him how she felt, but she could at least keep to the one secret agenda she made everyday: to see Shepard at least once. Even if in passing, she made a point of seeing her reminder as to why she was on this ship in the first place. It was possible Shepard was still awake–he kept to a bizarre schedule himself.

The door opened and she stepped in, hitting the top level.

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she thought of how to bring up a reason for visiting him in his private quarters. She'd never been so bold as to go see him in his room before–all the times she'd seen him he was out and about the ship.

It dawned on her that she didn't have a reason and she panicked, a dozen awkward scenarios flying through her brain of herself standing there, speechless as Shepard looked at her questioningly. "Sorry, wrong floor" didn't really work when it was a single room at the top. The elevator just reached the second level and she frantically hit the button for the command deck, praying she wasn't too late.

The elevator stopped. She held her breath, releasing it in a sigh of relief when the doors opened with a chime to reveal the command deck, night crew working silently in front of computers.

But Tali realized this situation wasn't much better when a few crew members started throwing her curious looks, likely wondering why she was just standing there. She tried looking nonchalant but it was hard when something stands out like when the only person in an elevator is standing at the floor they're supposed to be getting off at.

The doors began closing and she quickly stepped forward to hit the button again. The elevator doors closed and opened again with a loud chime. More crew members were outright watching now, interested to see where this was going. Tali felt her face burning.

Then a woman Tali recognized as the one who'd given her a psychoanalysis upon joining the crew turned from her computer in front of the elevators and saw her. "Ah!" She said, dropping what she was doing and walking towards her. "Thanks for holding it for me."

"Uh – no problem." Tali managed, moving to the side as the woman entered the elevator.

"I'm Kelly, if you don't remember me." She reminded Tali with a smile. "Going down?" she asked cheerfully as the doors began closing again.

"Um!" Tali stammered as she jerked forward to press the button again, "Yes?" her eyes pleaded with Kelly to make it so.

Kelly noticed the only other button lit up on the panel of four floors and raised an eyebrow. "Is there something frightening about the commander? He's actually very kind if you get to know him…" she teased playfully, knowing Tali had served with him before.

"Th-The commander? Shepard?" Tali's false surprise was apparent as her eyes darted around the elevator, looking for a way out. The doors were opening again and her hand hovered near the button, ready to press it again.

Kelly considered her for a moment before speaking. "You know I've actually been meaning to talk with you, Tali."

"With me?" Tali repeated, eyes leaving the button to focus on a much needed distraction.

Kelly slipped in front of her and leaned back against the button panel. "Yes. I was just wondering if we could chat–strictly private."

"Nothing on this ship is private." Tali stated, recalling the number of bugs and monitoring devices she'd found at her work station. Cerberus kept a close eye on all its investments, but for once she couldn't blame them for one this size.

"It was just some observations I made that I wanted to share with you. Nothing worth monitoring." She smiled reassuringly at Tali. "Is now a good time?"

Tali couldn't think of a better time. "Please." She answered, a hint of begging in her voice.

"I'm not one for rumors but I'm sure you've heard of the... drama, around the ship?" she asked, eyes searching Tali's blank mask for a response. "Well I spoke to our commander about it. His response was similar to what you've probably already heard." Again she checked Tali for a response.

Tali didn't move, trying not to betray any feelings one way or another. She didn't know a lot about Kelly's profession, but she knew she was very good at taking apart every reaction a person had to mean something.

Kelly continued, "Shepard's _actual_ feelings aside, he's very good at bringing resolution in words. It's funny." She chuckled to herself. She looked to Tali who was watching her blankly. "Emotions, I mean. Two people can have almost every possible trait in common, and at the same time feel nothing but contempt for one another. But at the same time two completely different individuals can find each other and there's an instant connection." she mused to herself, before continuing tentatively, "Maybe things like love are on a spiritual level, and random at best. You really… can't see what's coming, you know?"

Tali stopped watching her and stared into space, taking in what she was saying in silence. What if what she was saying was true? Was it possible she and Shepard could…

"You just never know. When feelings are involved assumptions and calculations are thrown right out the window. You can't even count on the ground beneath your feet anymore. So I guess all we can do is put however we feel out there and let the universe take it or leave it. However it works out, it couldn't happen any other way…" Kelly trailed off, letting the silence of the elevator fill the air.

"Anyway," she sighed, "just what was on my mind. I thought it was pretty good so I wanted to share it with someone." She stepped away from the elevator panel. "Whoops!" She reached forward and pressed the floor hold button again, disengaging it. "I'm such a klutz…"

Tali stared at her as the doors opened again and Kelly stepped out, walking back to her computer.

"Good luck!" she mouthed with a wink as the doors closed.

Tali's heart raced as the doors sealed, eyes fixed on the second button. She didn't press it again.


	2. Behind Masks

Chapter II: Behind Masks

Shepard sat at his desk, holding a black electronic picture frame in his hands. His eyes rested on its smooth surface, lost in thought. The cabin was completely silent save for the trickling of water from the fish tank filter on the far wall, devoid of fish. He didn't have time for pets. He didn't have time for a lot of things.

In truth Shepard sometimes felt robbed of a life. He was the only one who could save the galaxy, which hardly left time for personal interests. He often watched others with a pang of envy as they did whatever normal people do, something he probably would never have a chance at doing.

He never regretted the responsibility, he knew he was the only one with the power and the resources to save galactic civilization, a burden he shouldered with pride. He just… wished he could know what it was like. To have something he wanted, not what was needed of him.

The silence was broken by the sound of a door quietly sliding open just outside his room. If it wasn't completely silent it would have been impossible to hear, but Shepard hadn't been able to sleep for hours; he was tuned in for any sound that broke the stillness. He was puzzled; no one had ever come up to his cabin before, though that may have been in part because he was almost never here. Nonetheless he turned in his chair to face the entry way, curious to see who would be coming up at this time of night.

There was about another minute of quiet save the running water, during which Shepard guessed the person was waiting outside his room unaware he'd heard them get off the elevator. Then the door slid open and light footsteps were heard. Tali poked her head in, then upon seeing lights were still on she walked hesitantly into the cabin.

"Tali?" Shepard asked, wondering what she was doing up. Or why she'd come to his cabin of all places on the ship.

She jumped upon hearing his voice, spinning to face him. "Oh, Shepard! You're awake…"

"Is everything alright?" He asked with concern. He wasn't accustomed to his team visiting him at such late hours and wanted to make sure she was settling in okay since her rescue from Haestrom.

"Y-Yes, everything is fine, Shepard. I just…" she began, almost finishing with 'wanted to see you.' But she caught his eyes and her brain froze, unable to complete the thought. "…Couldn't sleep." She finished.

Tali looked away and felt a little childish. She played with her hands, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Shepard considered her thoughtfully, noting her restless behavior. The mannerisms seemed familiar but he chose not to pursue the subject. Finally he chuckled tiredly, breaking the quiet. "Welcome to the club." She looked at him and he gestured with the picture frame towards the couch and bed, inviting her to rest somewhere. "I couldn't ever manage in sleeping pods either." he said as she walked down the short steps to the main room. "Make yourself comfortable." He yawned, "Rather it not go to waste."

She ran a hand along the couch, pressing here and there to test the firmness. He watched her, still pondering her being here. Tali didn't make a habit of complaining, he would be surprised if sleeping conditions were the real reason. Finally she made herself comfortable in the crook of the couch, putting her back against the side so she could still speak to him through his vacant display case.

She turned to him and caught him looking back at the black picture frame. She gestured with a head tilt, "Someone important?" She kept her voice casual but wondered if maybe she had been wrong about her assumption of Shepard's romantic ties. It was true, her last time aboard the Normandy she hadn't spent as much time with him as some of the others… But whose picture would he look at when he couldn't sleep? _'One lucky woman…'_ she answered to herself, _'To have _the_ Shepard thinking about her somewhere in the galaxy.'_

Shepard looked up at the question. He was silent for a moment, then caught onto what she was referring to. "Oh this?" He slid his hand down the side of the frame to face it towards her.

She held her breath but realized it was unnecessary when she saw the screen was black. Empty.

"I was wondering about it when you came in." He cleared his throat. "Cerberus left it on my desk. Guess they know more about me than I do…" he half chuckled, taking the frame away from sight and laying it face down on the desk. He looked back to see her regarding him silently. "Sorry," he said, fearing he'd inspired some kind of sympathy, "that's not what I…" he cleared his throat again. Lack of sleep loosened his control over thoughts and often slipped more out than he intended. "Are you comfortable?" he asked, changing the subject.

Tali nodded, still quietly observing her commander. After a moment of silence she asked "Shepard, why is it so empty in here?"

Shepard who had been staring at the water tricking in the fish tank looked back at her. "Time?" he offered, shrugging. "The collectors are still out there, with the Reapers. I don't have time to feed fish or take pictures or…" he trailed off. Realizing how self-pitying he sounded he ran a hand over his face, grimacing. "I'm the only one who can stop the collectors. It's my duty to do put every minute of my life to doing so."

"Every minute?" Tali repeated, shaking her head. "Shepard you're sounding like a quarian."

"Am I?" he chuckled, leaning back in his chair and watching her through the glass. "Not sure if that's a good or bad thing…"

"You're putting your entire life into the galaxy and not taking any for yourself…" she said, voice dropping sadly. "All there is for you is the mission. You have a life too, and you should be living it."

"If I do that, soon no one will be living theirs." he responded seriously. "If I can't live my life to my fullest, it's to make sure the rest of the galaxy can."

Tali shook her head. "But there's so much more for _you_ too, Shepard…" she looked away, drawing her knees up to her chest. "You can still save the galaxy and have a happy life…" She looked back to him. She met his gaze squarely, which gave her voice strength, "You're not alone."

Shepard allowed a warm smile to escape his features, taking his turn to look away and stare at a spot on his desk. "No, I'm not anymore."

"You might even find some hobbies to fill this place up." she said, smiling as she looked around the room. "Or someone to share it with." She added offhandedly as an afterthought. It wasn't until she said it that she realized how awkwardly it hung in the air.

Shepard looked at her sharply but she was turned to face the exact opposite side of the room and the suit made it impossible to discern any expressions. "Yeah… Maybe." He responded after a minute. "This place could use a bit more to it, you're right."

Tali wasn't sure if she was relieved or frustrated that he didn't catch her hint. He continued on the topic, "Do quarians have a lot of personal belongings in the flotilla?"

"No," she answered simply, holding her knees. "We don't have the space. We only keep what we absolutely need, and give everything else to anyone who might need it. But you have dedicated space for those kinds of possessions. It would be a waste to not use it…" she said, noting the bookshelf behind Shepard that she was certain hadn't been touched since its creation. She lowered her back into the couch, trying to get more comfortable.

Shepard noticed her sinking past the range of his vision. "Does the Normandy still feel empty, with all the area to yourself?"

"After two years back with the flotilla I'm still getting used to it. On one of our ships a couch this size would be seating at least three…" she extended her legs, testing what leg room was like, then retracted them back to her torso.

"If the couch doesn't work for you the bed is very comfortable. If Cerberus knows one thing it's luxury…" he offered, aware of her constant shuffling on the couch. "The thread count is too high to remember." He said, watching her stand and make her way to the mattress.

She sat on the bed and ran a hand along the blankets; Shepard felt a pang of insensitivity for forgetting that she couldn't feel delicate textures like softness through her suit. "I'm sorry Tali, I forgot that… Well the bed itself is very comfortable, like I said." He repeated, making a sweeping motion for her to try it.

"It's okay, Shepard." She said, waving a hand dismissively. She lay down and sank several inches below the surface. "Oh my…" She sat upright in mock anger, "And we get sleeping pods?"

Shepard allowed himself a short laugh as she sank back down into the bed. She yawned and cuddled closer to a bundle of blanket she had in her arms. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of him in the bed. She opened her eyes, took another deep breath, and decided to talk about why she was really here.

Shepard frowned; he wished she could feel the bed with her own skin, not just the consistency through the suit. He stood and walked to the panel by the steps, turning a few dials and dimming the lights so the only source now was the fish tanks on the wall. At least he could make it easier for her to sleep.

"Shepard." she called sleepily. "I never got a chance to… I never told you about Freedom's Progress. Did I?" She asked, voice growing serious.

Shepard looked at her. Through the helmet he could see her moon-like eyes open, staring into the blankets. Finally he answered, "No."

"I just feel like… You should know." She began, still staring into the blankets visible only by the dim blue lights that cast distorted rays upon the bed. "Because I wasn't fair when we met."

"Tali, I don't hold any of that against you." Shepard reassured her. Sure he'd wondered why it was his reception back to living had been so lukewarm but he'd guessed it was a mixture of shock and duty to complete her own mission. "You had to find Veetor. And I'd been dead for two years." He added. "I'd be a little uncertain on how to react too." He grinned at her, faint glowing scars stretching visibly on his cheek.

"Please Shepard, I want to tell you. Because it's important to me that you know." Her voice dropped low again, accent emphasizing every word. She turned her head to stare at the ceiling where the light danced across like flower petals floating across a shimmering river. "When I saw you everything in my mind started slipping away and all I could focus on was the mission, so that's all I concentrated on… I didn't know what to think about anything. I feel like I intentionally ignored you, Shepard, and that's not what I meant to…" She shook her head, "It was like a rush of things I couldn't describe and I didn't… I just wanted to…"

"Tali…" Shepard said softly, moving to sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

She turned on her side towards him but refused to make eye contact. He put a hand on her shoulder and she brought a hand up to touch it as if to confirm it was really there. Talking about her memories was a lot harder than she thought it'd be, as every emotion she'd felt during the encounter all came back the instant she began thinking about them. They flooded her mind and it became difficult to think again, but the hand on her shoulder gave her strength to continue.

"When we recovered Veetor and brought him back to the ship, I locked myself in a room and cried." She confessed, gripping his hand tightly as her voice cracked. Her shoulders heaved as she held back a sob, "I cried for hours… I was so happy, Shepard." She shook and Shepard gripped the hand back just as tightly. "So happy…"

She looked up and met his gaze, and he was able to just discern the glistening of teardrops under her eyes. "I don't ever want you to think I ignored you, Shepard. I wouldn't… _Couldn't_, do that. You're too important to me."

Shepard saw her eyes scanning his face frantically for a response and he leaned in, pressing his forehead to her helmet, feeling the cool glass against his skin. It'd been a long time since his heart ached, and the reminder that he had one was both as joyful as it was painful. He hadn't realized that while he'd been dead for two years, it was the people who loved him that hurt the most. More than anything else he didn't want her to hurt anymore. He pressed in tighter, bringing his other arm around her shoulders to hold her close–as close as he could pull her. "I couldn't ever think you ignored me Tali. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you." He hadn't realized how hard his heart could beat as he felt hers beating along with his–he'd forgotten about it ever since he'd devoted his life to serving the galaxy.

Her shoulders racked with another sob and she drew against him, hugging him back. "I'm so happy you're back… That I'm here again… with you." She said, burying her helmet in his chest amidst the sobs.

"I'm not going anywhere, Tali…" Shepard soothed, stroking her back. "I'm here now, with you. And I'm not going anywhere…"

They stayed that way for several minutes until the tears stopped and he lay her down for the most restful night of sleep she'd gotten in two years. He brought the blankets around her and slowly made his way back to his desk. He sat in his chair, thinking over everything that'd happened.

Could she have been right…? His gaze fell on the dusty bookshelf. _'Not empty,'_ he decided, _'just waiting to be filled.'_ His eyes moved from one space to another, and he made the same decision about each. Finally they rested on the face-down frame on his desk.

He put his hand on the back of the picture frame, lifting it to hold in both hands. He caressed the dark screen for a moment, then slid his hand up the side.

The screen flipped on, illuminating his features in the dark room. The only sound was the therapeutic bubbling of the fish tank filter. He considered the picture for a minute, bringing a hand up to touch the screen. Then he sighed, sliding his hand back down the side and turning it off, lowering the picture to watch its subject sleeping peacefully on his bed.


End file.
